Red Flags to Consider When Seeking A Dom For the First Time
First, I don’t consider myself an expert and this is just my opinion based on observation and so much more. I am also writing this because of an incident that occurred to a kink friend of mine last week that has been on my mind.
She is relatively new to kink and has been to a few events. So she felt like seeking out a Dom to explore with. I told her that she should pick the Dom. Don’t just let anyone be your Dom partner or pick you. She chose a guy who approached her at an event, he showed her pictures of his dungeon and more. She said to me, “he has a dungeon, so he must know what he is doing.” I kind of shook my head whens he said that over the phone. I should have spoke up. Because he had a dungeon, she thought he was legitimate. However, that was not the case. Some of the red flags that she should have looked out for were the following:
She didn’t chat with this guy about boundaries, goals or her needs. When she asked about it, and he told her, “I will decide on what boundaries are.” WTF. I have never thought of saying that or doing that.
He didn’t have a profile on Fetlife or any kink lifestyle website. I know not everyone in kink is online. But, with that combined with the others, I am going to say he seems not legit.
She asked about aftercare and he said, “Yeah, aftercare I can do that.” You should automatically offer that and be able to talk about it.
She asked him some other questions like how long he had been in Kink. His response was, “I don’t have to answer questions. I am in charge.”
The play session was at this warehouse storage place where she said he used a generator to power the lights. She said it looked like the pictures. But, she said she felt so unsafe. I think she should have left that moment she felt unsafe. But, being new she said she felt maybe that is how all new subs feel. I Won’t get into the details. I do want to respect her privacy. Let's just say she was hospitalized for three days. She has damage to her spin, and her bruises brought her no pleasure.
This guy wasn’t a Dom. He was a psychopath. If you are new to kink, I know you might get excited. But, really look out for red flags. There were many. My friend just ignored everything and was too nervous to ask anyone else. I recommend that you play online via text or phone before you meet with someone if you’re new. I told her to email and notify the people who hosted the munch. This guy needs to be stopped. I am sure this is not the first time this guy has done this.
My friend is totally turned off by kink at this point. She even said to me, "you do that to people? How many have you put in the hospital? I of course told her, "no and never. This guy is not a Dom." He has made it hard for all Doms like myself. Everything he did was manipulated consent. This says to me that there was no consent and this was an assault.
New subs out there, try to stay safe, and remember your safety comes first. Trust needs to be established and earned before you play with anyone. If you feel unsafe. Then you are.
